As we enter into the new year, we like to stop and reflect on the last year. In this article, I will go over the highs and lows of 2023, month by month.

1. January: Not many important things happened in January, except for the release of a movie about killer dolls (there have been way too many of those) and a movie about an old man who tries to hang himself. If those two movies were combined, it would be a perfect description of this year. Also, Congress was probably all taking the OG Sleepy Joe weed, because they couldn’t make up their minds about anything.
2. February: China sent us a weather balloon! You could tell it was a weather balloon because it flew over half the military instillations in the country. Joe Biden would not let anyone shoot it down because he wanted to see the fluid movements of the balloon floating through the air outside his window (That sounds like what a Teletubby would do). As soon as the ballon was visible, Joe posed for a picture with his copy of the missile defense plans. In Ohio, toxic chemicals spilled everywhere when a train was derailed and everyone in the vicinity decided to vote for Joe Biden in 2024. Joe Biden Traveled to Ukraine, which is surprising because they don’t manufacture pharmaceuticals. He was probably trying to see his name on the front page of the paper.
3. March: Hooray! Another boxing movie! And a movie starring Keanu Reeves. Unfortunately, you wouldn’t show these movies to your kids unless you wanted them to get used to seeing violence. You might want to show these movies to your kids if they go to public school, just in case of a school shooter. Also, Trump is indicted for using top secret documents as toilet paper. His Mug shot is stylishly ugly.
4. April: Mario and zombie movies. This sounds a little more my speed. Chris Pratt is the only good thing about the Mario movie. Other than that, the movie sucks. Luigi thinks that he’s a princess and Peach tries to rescue him. What the heck? The video games were not like that. Also National Security found out that it was not that secure…What else is new? When you get hacked by an adolescent gamer, you know you’re in trouble.
5. May: Guardians of the Galaxy 3! Let’s Go! It’s about time. Some quality cinema in these parts. Just don’t show it to your kids. The little mermaid also arrived in the theaters as the next installment in the remakes of Disney cartoons with an all black cast. Next up in the series is Snow White (Snow Black?). Prince Charles is Crowned king of England and one of his guards faints. Now both America and England have Leaders with pet dinosaurs.
6. June: Happy Heterosexual Pride Month! (I can dream can’t I?) The Flash is released, complete with butt jokes. Indiana Jones and the god-daughter you had no idea existed and what the heck happened to Mutt Williams and are they trying to replace Short Round with a Egyptian kid with no personality and why is Indy’s college in New York and why are the Nazis teamed up with a black lady and why is a black lady in the FBI before civil rights and at least there are no gays in this movie and what happened to all the other characters and why is Marion only in the movie for one minute, was released. People also realized that they shouldn’t try to recreate the Titanic disaster.
7. July: Barbie comes out, and it is full of feminist crap. In order to make it better, they could have Ken kill Barbie to stop plastic waste, or they could have the other big movie of July, Oppenheimer, take place in Barbie World. Doesn’t everyone want to nuke Barbie? Also, Joe Biden’s dog probably got hold of some of Joe’s crack because it started trying to eat the secret service. At this point, Taylor Swift was well into her tour of her singing songs about her terrible dating life, and all her other problems, while I feel like I want to “Swiftly” leave the planet. Meanwhile, the Hollywood writers strike happens, and we do not see a decrease in movie quality because it was already pretty bad to begin with.
8. August: Trump gets indicted again in time to watch another R-rated comedy. This comedy is about talking dogs. The only good thing is that it has Will Ferrel in it. Also Ahsoka came out and I found the performance of the female leads disturbing, as well as the lack of white men besides that one sith.
9. September: Cheap Sci-Fi movies and Paw Patrol abound! Also Joe Biden went to a trucker union strike. If he stayed on strike, the country would be a lot off.
10. October: A Taylor Swift movie based on the concert? WHY?!!!!! I thought we were done with that! At least the FNAF movie finally came out. Joe Biden met with Xi Xingping (Doesn’t his name sound like a broken piano?) to “stop” shipments of fentanyl from China, and requested that they send more of the “pretty balloons” over his way. He left the meeting with a big bag full of… something.
11. November: Happy Kim Jong Un’s favorite month! A time for Cheetos, Twinkies, and GIANT Sour Patch Turkeys. Also, The Marvels. Don’t get me started on that movie.
12. December: The new Percy Jackson show comes out, with black people playing Greeks. What???? Huh???? That makes zero sense!!!!! Also a bunch of countries meet to discuss building houses out of animal dung, and replacing oil with an environmentally friendly alternative like cat hair.

That’s all folks. Happy New Year! I will continue to churn out these articles throughout the year. Tell your friends about this!