—Excerpt from the Rockbridge Academy Newspaper—

   In the days leading up to Valentine’s Day last year, it was clear to me right away that the Rockbridge girls were way more excited than the guys. If a teacher happened to mention Valentine’s Day, they would all look at each other and do that cringy grinning thing that girls do when they’re excited over something girly. At the same time, the guys would all either roll their eyes or stare off into space the way guys do when they’ve completely zoned out on the teacher.
   Finally, the day everyone had been longing for (or dreading) arrived. It was anticlimactic to say the least. The only slightly memorable event was two guys in my homeroom holding hands and pretending to be in love, in mockery of Valentine’s Day.
   Curiosity overtook me. I began a quest to better understand the dramatic difference between guys’ and girls’ enthusiasm for Valentine’s Day. I needed someone who could explain it to me. I needed someone who would tell me the bitter truth. I needed a young man in his prime, and not just any young man—one who actually had some experience with the ladies. I needed Danny.
   Danny is 19 years old and has a girlfriend, so I figured he qualified as a good person to consult. He has served as the youth intern at my church and is a good friend of mine, so I have decided to protect his identity by referring to him as Danny, instead of by his actual name, Daniel.
   Anyway, while the two of us were driving up to a youth event in January, I explained to Danny my confusion about girls’ excessive enthusiasm over Valentine’s Day and guys’ total indifference toward the whole thing. Danny nodded along, clearly understanding what I was talking about. When I finished explaining, he looked me in the eye (which was kind of stupid since he was behind the wheel) and summed everything up in one sentence: “Girls like Valentine’s Day because they don’t have to pay for anything.”
   Honestly, I should’ve just ended the article right there. What else needs to be said? Unfortunately, I knew that a dozen words from some random college kid wasn’t going to be enough for the Newspaper Czars, so I asked Danny to elaborate. He was more than happy to, and immediately replied, “Girls like Valentine’s Day because they get a gift, nice flowers, and a fancy dinner. Guys don’t like Valentine’s Day because they lose a hundred bucks.”
   Now, let’s unpack that statement a little bit. Obviously, being an adult and having some cash, things are going to be much more high-maintenance for Danny than for your ordinary high school dude. What I’m trying to say is that the average Rockbridge guy isn’t going to be able to drop a hundred dollars to buy his girlfriend a gift, flowers, and dinner, when he doesn’t even have a hundred dollars to begin with. Or a girlfriend, for that matter. So it makes sense why none of the guys care about Valentine’s Day in the slightest. It’s pointless.
   But what about the girls? What makes each one so giddy and giggly over Valentine’s Day when she has zero chance of getting a gift, flowers, and dinner from the guy she likes? I don’t know, man. Girls are just weird like that.
   In conclusion, a bit of advice. Ladies—how about taking your man out to dinner for a change? That would be nice. And to my dudes—if a girl ever offers to take you out to dinner on Valentine’s Day, say yes. You should never say no to free food. But if she can’t afford to pay for your dinner because she blew all her money on shoes or something, then that’s probably a sign that she’s not the one for you. Dump her and go back to holding hands with the other guys during homeroom. You can never go wrong there. 😏