Mostly Useful Answers

Reviews Articles and Other Stuff

  • Politics in 2025: Your Complete Guide

    Politics are very complicated nowadays, so it can be helpful to have some sort of reference to distinguish the different parties and who comprises them. Without further ado, let me explain politics starting with the Democratic party.

    The Democratic Party is Comprised of:

    • Black Women: All of them are democrats. They support abortion, gay rights, and furries. They hate men, whites, and Jews.
    • Some Asians: They consider themselves above politics, but they always vote for the Dems. They hate Mongolians.
    • Feminists: Taylor Swift and a couple female scientists. They hate men and probably beat their husbands. And they hate Jews.
    • Drug Dealers: They like open borders.
    • Child Traffickers: See above and below.
    • Pedophiles: They won’t get punished for anything under democrats.
    • Furrys and PETA: They are one and the same. They also hate men and Jews.
    • Homos: They hate straight, white males and they drive pink Teslas with anime stickers on them. They also hate Jews.
    • Fake Christians: So… Non protestants. They also hate Jews.
    • Celebrities: It’s part of their white guilt. They also hate Jews.
    • Turtles: NO MORE GATORADE PLASTIC THINGYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    • Lizard People: They are the deep state.
    • Jews: They hate Muslims.
    • Commies: They hate America.
    • BLM: They hate Whites, America, and Jews.

    The Moderates Who Double Dip:

    • Your Grandmother: Just not Trump!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    • Muslims: They hate everyone and want to blow you up or fly some planes. They really hate Jews.
    • Jews: They just want to stay alive.
    • The Mentally Challenged Americans: No one really understands why they vote how they vote or why they vote in the first place.

    The Republican Party is Made Up of:

    • Christians: You are here. We try to love everyone but we don’t really like homos. We like Jews.
    • Rednecks: They’re with Ted Nugent and Trump. They hate Mexicans and Bud-Lite.
    • Straight Folks: We are the normal people.
    • Men: Like Andrew Tate!
    • Whites: We can do whatever, we’re white!
    • Jews: The traditional ones. They hate Muslims.
    • The KKK: They hate everyone.
    • Nazis: They hate homos and Jews, and they think blondes are actually smart.
    • Kid Rock: He’s the man.
    • Internet Trolls: They’re the real heroes. They hate everyone but white men.
    • Unborn Babies: That’s a no-brainer.
    • Oil Well Workers: Drill Baby Drill!
    • Your Drunk Uncle: You know how he is.

    Well, that’s all I got for now. Until next time, peace out and bomb Palestine.

  • Thoughts on Kamala Harris and Tim Walz

    I was there when sleepy/crooked/crazy/senile Joe Biden made a fool of himself on live tv. The most useful thing he said was that under his administration we finally beat medicare. Of course we beat medicare, that was obviously one of Joe’s campaign promises. I was there when he claimed that he joined the race because a couple beer swillin, prairie fire starting, Tik Tok e-girl Neo-nazis came out of the woods and he talked to the lady and the house burned down and I like cheese. I was sitting here on my couch when Joe realized that he was too senile to have nuclear launch codes in his pocket, and thus he posted a message on twitter announcing that he was dropping out of the presidential race. I was there when Kamala suddenly decided that she should start fundraising for her presidential race. That is where our article begins. This article will have several different lists among other thoughts about the democrat nominees.

    Top Five Candidates Who Are More Qualified than Krackhead Kammy:

    1. Charlie the Chain-smoking Chicken: I met Charlie down at the farm, and he immediately impressed me with his ability to answer simple questions without breaking down into giggling fits.
    2. Big Chungus: He has a remarkably high IQ in comparison to Kamala, and he has the looks that Kammy lacks.
    3. Pretty much any Teletubby: Those Teletubbies are very smart. They can communicate in a mostly understandable way and they have a less annoying giggle than Kamala.
    4. Curt Cobain: He will probably hurt the country less than Kamala will, and at least he isn’t quite as high as the Empire State building.
    5. A Straight White Male: 😎

    The reason Kamala Harris can’t be trusted with our country is that she is a diversity hire. There is no other way to put it. She is a black woman, and thus you cannot vote for anyone else at risk of being racist. It would also be racist to say that she has negative IQ and would be more at home working in her kitchen. Or maybe that’s sexist. Anyway, she is going to get voted for mostly by childless cat ladies, and the members of all black sororities. She might also get Indian votes from the Hawk Tuah tribe, but that’s about it. She notice that so she hired another childless cat lady by the name of Tim Walz. He immediately caught her eye and they bonded over killing babies and transing the ones who survive. Tim brings a very special help to Kammy’s campaign, in that he can help secure the vote of those men who play in women’s sports so that they can succeed. Here are the top things that they will change if they get elected.

    1. They will force us to eat chilled monkey brains and drink the blood of Kali just like Kammy’s ancestors did.
    2. They will tell us that all our computers have virus.
    3. They will make all the secret service agents drag queens.
    4. They will try Netanyahu for crimes against humanity. (Crimes against suicide bombers)
    5. They will put a Rosa Parks mural on the outside of the White House.
    6. They will make the national anthem be rap.
    7. They will open the borders entirely and declare us a territory of Mexico.
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  • Everything Wrong With Minecraft

    Minecraft. What comes to mind when you think of Minecraft? Building? Crafting? Enslaving inferior beings? It may seem like an innocent game for your kids to play (assuming you have kids, which I think is pretty likely) , but it is not innocent at all. It teaches your children crude racial stereotypes as well as how to be colonizers and harvest resources thereby destroying the environment. Here are the main things that are wrong with Minecraft:

    1. Creepers are obviously based on Muslims. Horror!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes it is true. If you peel off the green skin, underneath all that you will find a jihadist with a bunch if tnt strapped to his chest. The Problem with this is that it teaches you that Jihadists are bad, and we all know that they are very peaceful people. On the topic of Muslims, if a Muslim beats his wife is it domestic abuse or child abuse? Answer in the comments below.
    2. The villagers, who have dark skin are portrayed as having inferior intellect, and the fact that they are gay only increases the horror of the fact that you are encouraged to enslave them and mistreat them., as well as steal their crops and possessions. The only things about the villages that are good are that the Iron golems are a very accurate portrayal of white people in that they are dumb and fat. (I do not agree with that statement at all and i think the Iron golems are a good portrayal of Kim Jong Un)
    3. The Endermen are Tall, Black and Scary. The Endermen are obviously based on crude racial stereotypes. They are black which would be considered diverse and inclusive except for the fact that when you look at them they break your knee caps. They also teleport which could be considered blending into the night. They also do heavy lifting which is obviously from working in the fields.
    4. It encourages human trafficking. The fact that you can kidnap villagers to do your bidding is rascist, homophobic, sexist, furry phobic, and pro Israel. It also paints a picture of life in Mexico, which is something you don’t want to do, because it portrays Mexico as a place full of free laborers.
    5. The Wandering Trader is obviously homeless. You are encouraged to kill him which is not very nice. He also should be able to invoke squatter’s rights and take over your house.
    6. The fact that you can kill animals is an example of animal abuse.
    7. You are encouraged to destroy the environment by mining too much, and that kills sea turtles. (I have killed many sea turtles in my day) That is an example of sexism in the workplace.

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  • Valentine’s Day: Who Cares? 💘🙄

    —Excerpt from the Rockbridge Academy Newspaper—

       In the days leading up to Valentine’s Day last year, it was clear to me right away that the Rockbridge girls were way more excited than the guys. If a teacher happened to mention Valentine’s Day, they would all look at each other and do that cringy grinning thing that girls do when they’re excited over something girly. At the same time, the guys would all either roll their eyes or stare off into space the way guys do when they’ve completely zoned out on the teacher.
       Finally, the day everyone had been longing for (or dreading) arrived. It was anticlimactic to say the least. The only slightly memorable event was two guys in my homeroom holding hands and pretending to be in love, in mockery of Valentine’s Day.
       Curiosity overtook me. I began a quest to better understand the dramatic difference between guys’ and girls’ enthusiasm for Valentine’s Day. I needed someone who could explain it to me. I needed someone who would tell me the bitter truth. I needed a young man in his prime, and not just any young man—one who actually had some experience with the ladies. I needed Danny.
       Danny is 19 years old and has a girlfriend, so I figured he qualified as a good person to consult. He has served as the youth intern at my church and is a good friend of mine, so I have decided to protect his identity by referring to him as Danny, instead of by his actual name, Daniel.
       Anyway, while the two of us were driving up to a youth event in January, I explained to Danny my confusion about girls’ excessive enthusiasm over Valentine’s Day and guys’ total indifference toward the whole thing. Danny nodded along, clearly understanding what I was talking about. When I finished explaining, he looked me in the eye (which was kind of stupid since he was behind the wheel) and summed everything up in one sentence: “Girls like Valentine’s Day because they don’t have to pay for anything.”
       Honestly, I should’ve just ended the article right there. What else needs to be said? Unfortunately, I knew that a dozen words from some random college kid wasn’t going to be enough for the Newspaper Czars, so I asked Danny to elaborate. He was more than happy to, and immediately replied, “Girls like Valentine’s Day because they get a gift, nice flowers, and a fancy dinner. Guys don’t like Valentine’s Day because they lose a hundred bucks.”
       Now, let’s unpack that statement a little bit. Obviously, being an adult and having some cash, things are going to be much more high-maintenance for Danny than for your ordinary high school dude. What I’m trying to say is that the average Rockbridge guy isn’t going to be able to drop a hundred dollars to buy his girlfriend a gift, flowers, and dinner, when he doesn’t even have a hundred dollars to begin with. Or a girlfriend, for that matter. So it makes sense why none of the guys care about Valentine’s Day in the slightest. It’s pointless.
       But what about the girls? What makes each one so giddy and giggly over Valentine’s Day when she has zero chance of getting a gift, flowers, and dinner from the guy she likes? I don’t know, man. Girls are just weird like that.
       In conclusion, a bit of advice. Ladies—how about taking your man out to dinner for a change? That would be nice. And to my dudes—if a girl ever offers to take you out to dinner on Valentine’s Day, say yes. You should never say no to free food. But if she can’t afford to pay for your dinner because she blew all her money on shoes or something, then that’s probably a sign that she’s not the one for you. Dump her and go back to holding hands with the other guys during homeroom. You can never go wrong there. 😏

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  • Surprising Uses for Sour Patch Kids

        Most websites have health food articles on them, so I decided that I would write an article on the magical properties of the healthiest food I know of. Sour Patch kids have many surprising qualities which make them an invaluable resource and the main import of North Korea. The following are the surprising uses for Sour Patch kids.

    1. Sedative: Surprisingly, if you eat around 1500 Sour Patch kids in one sitting, you will go to sleep for a very long time. I got this tip from a good friend of mine. We are so tight he lets me call him Kimmy.
    2. Italian Sour Patch Stew: When Italian children are sick, their parents blend up the kids and put them in a stew made of vino. The kids feel better immediately. Then they add Sour patch kids to the stew.
    3. DIY Friend: If your friends work in a nuclear power plant, ask them to bring some Sour Patch kids with them. If the Sour Patch kids get irradiated, they will come to life. They will be over 60 feet tall and they don’t mind if you eat them.
    4. Sour Patch Turkeys: This is a great one for Thanksgiving. You take a Turkey and stuff it with Sour Patch kids. Then you dump Mtn Dew on top. You then garnish it with some sugar. That ought to be enough for one serving. You may need to make multiple for seconds.

    Have fun using all these projects! Also have fun with diabetes!

  • Mostly Useful Answers Year in Review

      As we enter into the new year, we like to stop and reflect on the last year. In this article, I will go over the highs and lows of 2023, month by month.

    1. January: Not many important things happened in January, except for the release of a movie about killer dolls (there have been way too many of those) and a movie about an old man who tries to hang himself. If those two movies were combined, it would be a perfect description of this year. Also, Congress was probably all taking the OG Sleepy Joe weed, because they couldn’t make up their minds about anything.
    2. February: China sent us a weather balloon! You could tell it was a weather balloon because it flew over half the military instillations in the country. Joe Biden would not let anyone shoot it down because he wanted to see the fluid movements of the balloon floating through the air outside his window (That sounds like what a Teletubby would do). As soon as the ballon was visible, Joe posed for a picture with his copy of the missile defense plans. In Ohio, toxic chemicals spilled everywhere when a train was derailed and everyone in the vicinity decided to vote for Joe Biden in 2024. Joe Biden Traveled to Ukraine, which is surprising because they don’t manufacture pharmaceuticals. He was probably trying to see his name on the front page of the paper.
    3. March: Hooray! Another boxing movie! And a movie starring Keanu Reeves. Unfortunately, you wouldn’t show these movies to your kids unless you wanted them to get used to seeing violence. You might want to show these movies to your kids if they go to public school, just in case of a school shooter. Also, Trump is indicted for using top secret documents as toilet paper. His Mug shot is stylishly ugly.
    4. April: Mario and zombie movies. This sounds a little more my speed. Chris Pratt is the only good thing about the Mario movie. Other than that, the movie sucks. Luigi thinks that he’s a princess and Peach tries to rescue him. What the heck? The video games were not like that. Also National Security found out that it was not that secure…What else is new? When you get hacked by an adolescent gamer, you know you’re in trouble.
    5. May: Guardians of the Galaxy 3! Let’s Go! It’s about time. Some quality cinema in these parts. Just don’t show it to your kids. The little mermaid also arrived in the theaters as the next installment in the remakes of Disney cartoons with an all black cast. Next up in the series is Snow White (Snow Black?). Prince Charles is Crowned king of England and one of his guards faints. Now both America and England have Leaders with pet dinosaurs.
    6. June: Happy Heterosexual Pride Month! (I can dream can’t I?) The Flash is released, complete with butt jokes. Indiana Jones and the god-daughter you had no idea existed and what the heck happened to Mutt Williams and are they trying to replace Short Round with a Egyptian kid with no personality and why is Indy’s college in New York and why are the Nazis teamed up with a black lady and why is a black lady in the FBI before civil rights and at least there are no gays in this movie and what happened to all the other characters and why is Marion only in the movie for one minute, was released. People also realized that they shouldn’t try to recreate the Titanic disaster.
    7. July: Barbie comes out, and it is full of feminist crap. In order to make it better, they could have Ken kill Barbie to stop plastic waste, or they could have the other big movie of July, Oppenheimer, take place in Barbie World. Doesn’t everyone want to nuke Barbie? Also, Joe Biden’s dog probably got hold of some of Joe’s crack because it started trying to eat the secret service. At this point, Taylor Swift was well into her tour of her singing songs about her terrible dating life, and all her other problems, while I feel like I want to “Swiftly” leave the planet. Meanwhile, the Hollywood writers strike happens, and we do not see a decrease in movie quality because it was already pretty bad to begin with.
    8. August: Trump gets indicted again in time to watch another R-rated comedy. This comedy is about talking dogs. The only good thing is that it has Will Ferrel in it. Also Ahsoka came out and I found the performance of the female leads disturbing, as well as the lack of white men besides that one sith.
    9. September: Cheap Sci-Fi movies and Paw Patrol abound! Also Joe Biden went to a trucker union strike. If he stayed on strike, the country would be a lot off.
    10. October: A Taylor Swift movie based on the concert? WHY?!!!!! I thought we were done with that! At least the FNAF movie finally came out. Joe Biden met with Xi Xingping (Doesn’t his name sound like a broken piano?) to “stop” shipments of fentanyl from China, and requested that they send more of the “pretty balloons” over his way. He left the meeting with a big bag full of… something.
    11. November: Happy Kim Jong Un’s favorite month! A time for Cheetos, Twinkies, and GIANT Sour Patch Turkeys. Also, The Marvels. Don’t get me started on that movie.
    12. December: The new Percy Jackson show comes out, with black people playing Greeks. What???? Huh???? That makes zero sense!!!!! Also a bunch of countries meet to discuss building houses out of animal dung, and replacing oil with an environmentally friendly alternative like cat hair.

    That’s all folks. Happy New Year! I will continue to churn out these articles throughout the year. Tell your friends about this!

  • What to Get People For Christmas in 2023

        This Christmas season, you may find it hard to pick out the perfect gift for your acquaintances. Fear not, for I am here to help. In the following article, I have listed a type of person, and the gift you should give them.

    1. Anyone under the age of 2: Small children love flamethrowers, so I would recommend getting them the latest model. If you do not feel comfortable entrusting such a dangerous item to your toddler, you should just give them lighter fluid and a few matches, which would do a little less damage to your property. If you don’t give either of these to your children, I am calling social services. 
    2. Your neighbor with the annoying small children: Get a tie out leash like the ones they use for dogs and send it to them with a note that explains how to use it to help their kids. https://www.acehardware.com/departments/home-and-decor/pet-supplies/leashes-and-collars/8298895?store=15819&gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI7JKg3pzPgwMVtk1HAR0LBAPGEAQYASABEgKLx_D_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
    3. Any democrats in your life: The OG Sleepy Joe Cannabis. It was designed by snoop dog to make you forget what country you are in. If you take it, you will feel like Joe Biden. https://blimburnseeds.com/sleepy-joe/
    4. Anyone From Texas: Fully Automatic Military Surplus assault rifles, or Mexican begone traps. https://www.google.com/aclk?sa=l&ai=DChcSEwis6pytoc-DAxUuY0cBHVBRATwYABA1GgJxdQ&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIrOqcraHPgwMVLmNHAR1QUQE8EAkYBSABEgKcvvD_BwE&sig=AOD64_085zheQDSbN-7nmKUteUimAph0Ew&adurl&ctype=5&ved=2ahUKEwia8Y-toc-DAxVfF2IAHc6DAhUQ8w56BQgBEMYC&nis=8
    5. The people who run the Chinese restaurant down the street: Crickets for them to talk to, and fentanyl for them to have with their crickets
    6. Bernie Sanders: Give him hand knit mittens with hammers and, sickles, and an autographed picture of Doctor Strangelove.

  • Top Eight Extremely Offensive Things That Joe Biden Promises To Change

    Joe Biden felt as though he needed a new campaign strategy, so he released his ‘Big Ten Campaign Promises’ just this morning. Without further useless talking, let’s list these promises so that Joe doesn’t fall asleep while reading this article.

    1. Snow: Snow is the most racist thing on the planet. It is mostly either white, or yellow. Where is all the black snow? Joe has decided to make all snow black if he gets elected.
    2. Chess: Biden promises to change chess so that the black pieces go first. He also wants everyone to put the pieces away in the same pouch so that they are not segregated.
    3. The Lincoln Memorial: Lincoln’s statue will be replaced with a statue Joe’s homie Snoop Dog.
    4. Ring Tones: All ring tones must be changed to a recording of Joe saying “I Did That!” so that they do not sound like the phones are speaking Chinese.
    5. Hunting: You may no longer hunt people who identify as deer.
    6. Mexican Food: It must be referred to as indigenous desert taco people food.
    7. The White House: The White House must be painted pink so that it is inclusive.
    8. Michael Jackson: Jackson Mississippi was totally named after him. This sounds really weird.

  • All The Things Wrong With The Marvels

    Take a good look at that picture. See all those male characters? Didn’t think so. That’s because there are none. (Que the dramatic music) In this article we will be going over all the reasons why the Marvels is inferior to all Marvel movies before it including Thor: Love and Thunder.

    1. Captain Marvel is pretty much a women’s suffragist who still thinks she is suffering after having gone into space and turned into a living microwave.
    2. Ms. Marvel is really just a female version of Tom Holland who dresses up in a less than flattering costume and got her powers by wearing a magical bracelet. She spends most of the movie with her eyes wide, watching Captain Marvel go about daily life.
    3. Monica Rambo is a black Captain Marvel who got her powers by walking through a wall.
    4. There are two men in the Movie.
    5. None of these men are white.
    6. Captain Marvel’s cat is the main protagonist. (At least the only capable one. Who wants to bet that underneath all that cat hair, he is a straight white male.)
    7. A more accurate title for the movie would be Second Rate Super Heroes: Sorority Adventure, Because there is nothing Marvelous about these super heroes.

  • Review Of The Teletubbies Film

    The new Teletubbies film is as Crappy as the original. The idea to make the Teletubbies drug traffickers from Mexico did not help the plot anymore than the fact that the frequent news flashes on their televisions are actually mini bios of their next assassination targets. The movie starts in an abandoned warehouse. The Teletubbies are being subjected to a series of brainwashing treatments when the warehouse is bombed. The Teletubbies wake up on a desert island, where they meet sun baby and the pinwheel. The pinwheel agrees to give them drugs in return for their service as hitmen. Knowing this, the audiences will be forced to watch 16 new episodes of Teletubbies with this new information in their heads. At 5 hours and 15 minutes, the movie is 5 hours and 15 minutes too long. I would not recommend seeing this movie. The movie gets its R rating because, heck, these are the Teletubbies we’re talking about here. Do not go to this movie if you have health problems of any sort or if you are breathing.