Mostly Useful Answers

(Washington DC) Today, reporters are flocking to the White House because the secret service found white powder on a door way near the Oval Office. They gave the substance to the White House kitchen, thinking that they dropped flower. This is standard procedure in the White House because no-one really cares if Joe Biden eats off the floor anyway. The kitchen identified the substance as cocaine by checking its taste against that of the cocaine in their fridge. This would explain the “President’s” constant trips to the border, to “show that we are friends with the Mexicans”.

(Everywhere) A conspiracy has just been uncovered. Apparently, all KFC workers are spies from North Korea. The US government has just cracked down on all KFCs on the west coast, and are moving across the country as we speak. The government first got wind of this conspiracy when they discovered KFC carryout bags all over the CIA. These bags were obviously bugged. No one noticed these bags sooner because everyone was required to visit Joe Biden’s pet dinosaur from his childhood last week, the day before, they were required to bring Joe Biden shipments of his special “medicine” from an undisclosed location. As soon as the FBI found out about the mysterious KFC conspiracy, they freaked out. Most of them moved to Mexico in an attempt to escape KFC, so our government is ridiculously undermanned. The CIA however, did research about the origins of KFC. “What we found was extremely disturbing,” says our CIA mole, “KFC was originally a McDonald’s in Korea. Kim went there as a baby and had a cookie, so his parents named it KFC, or KIMS FIRST COOKIE.” Apparently, Kim has been using his control over KFC to dabble in espionage.

Welcome to the Mostly Useful Answers first official top five article. This article will cover the smartest ways to unclog your toilet.

1. The most effective way to unclog your toilet is to stick your hand in and pull whatever was in it out. Of course, if you are doing this for fun, and you accidentally get your hand stuck you should not try this, instead click the link below:
   • https://therokuchannel.roku.com/watch/b6c7980873395005a57783d293b07205
2. If the first option does not work, dump lighter fluid into your toilet. Needless to say, the next step is to light it up. This is guaranteed to burn any toilet paper clogging your toilet.

3. If that doesn’t work, call damage control before doing this step. First you must buy a water snake, then you must tie a bottle of a corrosive chemical to his back. Drop the snake in and see if it does the trick.

(Get your snake here) https://exoticanimalsforsaleonline.net/product/baby-enchi-orange-ghost-ball-python/

4. If the snake does not work, your toilet now has a dead snake clogging it as well. What I would recommend would be to take out an ice axe and try to break into the piping from the outside.

5. If the last one does not work, and you are doing this in your parents’ basement, RUN! If you own your house, buy a new toilet.

(New York)-The Smith family was eating dinner when a neighbor, who was walking their dog by the Smith’s house, saw then eating tacos and was extremely offended. “They were literally eating tacos! Do you realize how offensive that is? This is an appropriation of Mexican culture, and I will not allow it to continue. The Mexicans are respectable people, and I will not let people destroy our culture by eating Mexican food.” The Mexican neighbor(who may or may not be a drug lord) immediately called the police. The police brought them to the station, and they are awaiting trial. The Mexican neighbor has been commended for his service and received the congressional medal of freedom. He runs a candy store on Main Street.

(North Korea) – Reports are surging in about the famine in North Korea. Our reporters have conducted surveys of the commoners in North Korea, “We are fine, totally fine…” says Korean sanitation worker Bing-Bong Kim,”I have never been better. I want to thank our wonderful dictator deity, Kim Jung Un for providing us with sustenance and socialized medicine. I think the world should butt out of North Korean affairs, Kim Jung Un is making sure I stay alive and well.” In an interview with Kim Jung Un’s daughter she claimed, “Famine? Food shortage? Are you insane? My dad just took me on our yearly tour of the nation where we visit most of the farms, restaurants and missile silos in Korea. It is so fun. I really love the souvenirs we get from the places we stop. One time my dad bombed a KFC because they were out of cheese dip. On the way home this year, we stopped by the food reserves for carryout. Every morning, we get up, eat our 12 course breakfast, do yoga, do lypo suction, eat our 15 course lunch, drop bombs on South Korea and in the toilet, do yoga, do lipo suction, eat our 20 course dinner, do evening sumo wrestling, and go to bed. There is no food shortage, I would have been informed.” There you have it folks, there is no food shortage, straight from the horses mouth.

(Washington DC) Following recent protests near the national mall, the FBI has jailed over 16 Spca members on charges of assault. During the following trials, the Spca members defended their acts as ‘defending the animal kingdom’. Upon further research, the FBI has uncovered, their meaning. Late last February, the SPCA voted to do anything possible to rid America of the Pokemon TCG. During an interview, one of the jailed members, explains, ” This is absolutely evil! That Pokemon game is teaching kids that it’s fine to enclose animals in tiny balls and fight them. This is so evil!” The court decided to send her to an asylum.

LONDON – This is an exclusive interview with the royal family.

Charles: We are all heartbroken that my mother has died, and a lot less heartbroken that she left me the throne!

Harry: How come you’re king? You’re just going to die in another couple of years!

Charles: Treason! You have insulted my royal body!

Reporter: Um…

Charles: Don’t ‘Um’ me! I’m the king.

Harry: The King Kong you mean! You’ve been around since dinosaur times!

Reporter: So are you happy with the line of succession Harry? I thought you gave up being prince!

Harry: I hate the line of succession! I just want the royal family’s gold!

Charles: I just want what’s best for my people, and my fortune.

Harry: So what? You just want a good nursing home.

This interview was cut short because it might not have been appropriate for young readers.

(Houston, Texas) The 2024 election is coming upon us faster than we would like, and with it are the old disputes from 2020. People are already deciding who to vote for, and frankly, the Mostly Useful Answers Mid-election Polls are showing that many people dislike all the candidates. According to one Texan, “We can’t vote Biden because he might have a heart attack any day now, but we also can’t vote Trump because he might accidentally yo-mama a foreign leader. Those are the big candidates, so who is left?” That is what many people are asking across the USA. The good news is, we have write in ballots. This is what some people have taken advantage of. Texas is strictly Springfieldican (Voting for Homer Simpson) while California is mostly Sesameacrate (Voting for Elmo). What will happen if Homer is elected? I don’t know, but it will certainly be better than what we have now.

(Washington DC) Today, with help from some reliable sources, we have uncovered the reason that Nancy Pelosi is not in a nursing home. An anonymous person was tailing Pelosi when she visited Russia and noticed her repeatedly drinking from a flask. At one point during her visit she made a deal with a seedy-looking person and got her flask refilled with a strange looking liquid. “Zis es vy se es not in a nurzing home. Se es getting vater vrum Ze Vountain of Youth!” says our anonymous Russian informer. This is a reasonable assumption, seeing as Pelosi is like 124 and is not in rehab. This also explains why Pelosi keeps going t0 foreign places and returning looking younger. I encourage all my readers to delve into her past, while I send my agents to try and find the fountain of youth. I assure you this is a reliable article.

(Washington DC) Today, an act of injustice has occurred. I sent one of my star reporters into the Presidential Press Conference. Everything was going well until he started asking questions. Thankfully, my reporter recorded everything that happened. I listened to the recording and realized that my constitutional rights had been squashed! My reporter had just shared our company name when he was kicked unto the street. They yelled at him for spreading fake news, whatever that means, and fined him fifty dollars. I mean, our own President Biden just ignored freedom of the press.