(Everywhere) A conspiracy has just been uncovered. Apparently, all KFC workers are spies from North Korea. The US government has just cracked down on all KFCs on the west coast, and are moving across the country as we speak. The government first got wind of this conspiracy when they discovered KFC carryout bags all over the CIA. These bags were obviously bugged. No one noticed these bags sooner because everyone was required to visit Joe Biden’s pet dinosaur from his childhood last week, the day before, they were required to bring Joe Biden shipments of his special “medicine” from an undisclosed location. As soon as the FBI found out about the mysterious KFC conspiracy, they freaked out. Most of them moved to Mexico in an attempt to escape KFC, so our government is ridiculously undermanned. The CIA however, did research about the origins of KFC. “What we found was extremely disturbing,” says our CIA mole, “KFC was originally a McDonald’s in Korea. Kim went there as a baby and had a cookie, so his parents named it KFC, or KIMS FIRST COOKIE.” Apparently, Kim has been using his control over KFC to dabble in espionage.