Mostly Useful Answers

(Grand Canyon, Arizona) Yesterday, Peter Campbell was white water rafting with his family when an iguana fell into their raft. At first Peter thought that someone had thrown the iguana from the trail above so he looked up. All he saw was a helicopter flying above the canyon. After further examination of the iguana, the Campbells realized that this iguana was wearing a paragliding suit. In an interview later on that day Peter said, “It was amazing. Someone had dropped this iguana out of a helicopter above the Grand Canyon. If we hadn’t caught him he would have died!” The police tracked down who was in the helicopter and fined them because the iguana did not have permission to skydive. The family, later identified as the Samuels from Canada, was also berated for animal abuse. The father responded, “So sue us!” That is probably what is going to happen. Meanwhile, the iguana (Skydiving Keith Sr.) has been sent to a veterinary hospital.

(London, England) Everyone has been anticipating this moment all year. Finally, the English have announced the winner of the British Academy Film Award for best actor. The only problem is, he’s not British, and he’s not an actor. In an interview, John Jackson, one of the announcers in the award ceremony, explained, “We didn’t have any good actors this year, but we needed to find someone. We were looking for a nominee who actually had some talent when we stumbled across the name of your silly former President. Apparently someone put his name in as some kind of joke, but who cares? We had the actor we needed!”

When asked what he meant, he said, “You don’t think he’s an actor? You Americans are more stupid than I thought. He fooled you all. Where’s that bloody wall?”

Due to Covid restrictions, the world has turned to pets to relieve their extreme boredom. Among these pets are iguanas. But of course, the hard part of owning a pet, is coming up with a name. Here are the most creative iguana names of the year.

1. Stinky Joe. Stinky Joe was named by Tommy Higgleston, supposedly after his cage.
2. Tiger. Tiger was named by Dwight Lincoln after the pet he really wanted.
3. Danger: Bringer of Death. Danger was named by Lily age 10 after he bit her.
4. Vermin. Vermin was named by Near-sighted Bob as soon as he saw him in the pet store. There probably was a case of mistaken identity.
5. Bud Light. Bud was named when Fred, who was having trouble coming up with a name, looked in his cooler for ideas.
6. Skydiving Keith Jr. Junior was named by the Samuels when they bought him to replace Keith Sr., who went missing somewhere over The Grand Canyon.
7. Teacher’s Pet. Teacher’s pet replaced the former class pet of the 3rd grade class in Ohio Springs Elementary when the last class pet died of boredom.
8. No Name. George could not think up a name.
9. Playtime. Playtime was named when he chewed up all the shoes in the Thompsons’ house.
10. Lunch. Lunch was named by Explorer Pete just before he took Lunch on a trip into the jungle. Only Pete returned.

Fans around the world are going crazy at news that the fan favorite TV show Teletubbies is getting a much deserved reboot. As of August 15th we know that the long awaited spin off will star Dwayne Johnson, Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, and Felicity Jones. The show is being filmed in an undisclosed location because as heard in an exclusive interview with the show’s director Steven Spielberg, “We don’t want any kids to see the costumes; they will be scarred for life.” Amidst the many good receptions, there are some who would rather die than see Teletubbies come back to their screens. One angry parent is supposed to have vandalized the set, saying, “That show gave me nightmares as a kid! Don’t you go putting those bald monkeys back in society!” She was immediately jailed for slandering the Teletubbies. In response to this outcry however, Disney has agreed to make the Teletubbies reboot action packed. After the Trailer release yesterday, we know that the plot is very fascinating, including some crossover from Barney. I know we all can’t with for the movie’s release, so get the rotten vegetables ready.

While one of our Allstar reporters was visiting Roswell he met a cashier with an interesting story. This cashier is named Bill. Apparently, one day Bill was locking up the 7-11 where he works when he saw a unidentified flying object. “It looked like a napkin from Subway, but I can’t be sure.” says the cashier, “Since I can’t identify it, it is a UFO!” How very true. Since he lives in Roswell, he was more likely to stumble across one of those. That most be because of all the littering around there.

For Your Entertainment

Grand Prize winner is Myles from Arizona!

The Ballad of Uh Oh Stinky

My name is Uh Oh Stinky

and I just ate a Twinky

I’m REALLY looking forward to

when it comes out in my poo

Second Place is Billy from Toronto, Canada

The Ballad of a Strait A Student

                                    It’s the summer

                                    what a bummer

                                    There is no school

                                    that is not cool

                                    I am on the honor rule

                                    though people say I am a troll

                                    some people go to summer school

                                    I wish I could cause that would rule

                                    but being the nerd that I am 

                                    I cannot help but cram

                                    studying for all my tests

                                    which causes me to jump in bee’s nests

                                    I just did that 

                                    Ooooowwwwwww I’m dying

Third place is Jon from Shanghai, China

Mary’s Lamb

       Mary had a little lamb

       The gun went bam

       The lamb was dead

       Its name was Fred

       Now she takes it to school

       And she takes it to the pool

       In her lunch box

      And instead of the fur of a fox

      On her back she wears wool

Thank You To all Contestants