Author: theodoregallagher
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The Dark Origins of KFC
(Everywhere) A conspiracy has just been uncovered. Apparently, all KFC workers are spies from North Korea. The US government has just cracked down on all KFCs on the west coast, and are moving across the country as we speak. The government first got wind of this conspiracy when they discovered KFC carryout bags all over…
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Top Five Best Ways to Unclog Your Toilet
Welcome to the Mostly Useful Answers first official top five article. This article will cover the smartest ways to unclog your toilet. 3. If that doesn’t work, call damage control before doing this step. First you must buy a water snake, then you must tie a bottle of a corrosive chemical to his back. Drop…
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The Smiths Are Arrested For Cultural Appropriation on Taco Tuesday
(New York)-The Smith family was eating dinner when a neighbor, who was walking their dog by the Smith’s house, saw then eating tacos and was extremely offended. “They were literally eating tacos! Do you realize how offensive that is? This is an appropriation of Mexican culture, and I will not allow it to continue. The…
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Food Shortage In North Korea. Surprised?
(North Korea) – Reports are surging in about the famine in North Korea. Our reporters have conducted surveys of the commoners in North Korea, “We are fine, totally fine…” says Korean sanitation worker Bing-Bong Kim,”I have never been better. I want to thank our wonderful dictator deity, Kim Jung Un for providing us with sustenance…
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SPCA Votes to Ban Pokemon From America
(Washington DC) Following recent protests near the national mall, the FBI has jailed over 16 Spca members on charges of assault. During the following trials, the Spca members defended their acts as ‘defending the animal kingdom’. Upon further research, the FBI has uncovered, their meaning. Late last February, the SPCA voted to do anything possible…
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Exclusive Interview With Royal Family After The Tragic Death of The Queen
LONDON – This is an exclusive interview with the royal family. Charles: We are all heartbroken that my mother has died, and a lot less heartbroken that she left me the throne! Harry: How come you’re king? You’re just going to die in another couple of years! Charles: Treason! You have insulted my royal body!…
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Write in Votes Expected to Beat Biden in ’24
(Houston, Texas) The 2024 election is coming upon us faster than we would like, and with it are the old disputes from 2020. People are already deciding who to vote for, and frankly, the Mostly Useful Answers Mid-election Polls are showing that many people dislike all the candidates. According to one Texan, “We can’t vote…
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Nancy Pelosi: The Fountain of Youth Connection
(Washington DC) Today, with help from some reliable sources, we have uncovered the reason that Nancy Pelosi is not in a nursing home. An anonymous person was tailing Pelosi when she visited Russia and noticed her repeatedly drinking from a flask. At one point during her visit she made a deal with a seedy-looking person…
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Mostly Useful Answers Reporter Kicked Out of Press Conference
(Washington DC) Today, an act of injustice has occurred. I sent one of my star reporters into the Presidential Press Conference. Everything was going well until he started asking questions. Thankfully, my reporter recorded everything that happened. I listened to the recording and realized that my constitutional rights had been squashed! My reporter had just…
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Skydiving Iguana Recovered in The Grand Canyon
(Grand Canyon, Arizona) Yesterday, Peter Campbell was white water rafting with his family when an iguana fell into their raft. At first Peter thought that someone had thrown the iguana from the trail above so he looked up. All he saw was a helicopter flying above the canyon. After further examination of the iguana, the…
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